Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Preggers is Confused!

So this is my first post as a pregnant woman and boy has it knocked me for 6! I am 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant (tomorrow baby will be 7 weeks old - hey!). So  bet you're thinking, "So it was an accident right?" Well actually it wasn't thank you very much. This baby was very much planned. However, being infuenced by other women's stories, I had convinced myself that it would take a year to two years to fall pregnant. How long did it take in reality? Err less than 2 weeks!

My original plan was to start thinking about how life would change as we were having fun trying. I'm a fitness instructor (on a self-imposed 2 year sabbitcal from being a drama education practitioner) and I knew that having a baby would eventually lead me to stop teaching (at least temporariliy). But because I thought it wouldn't happen for now, I didn't quite finish - well let's be honest I didn't START thinking about what I would do with my career once I got pregnant.

So now, here we are: my breasts are growing heavier and bigger by the hour (literally - why do I have to fight to get my sports bras on this week when I had no problem last week?), I constantly feel nauseous - that's fun when you are trying to make out you are a happy go lucky fitness instructor and more than anything I am confused as hell!

All I am certain about with regards to the future is that there will be lots of change for ME! I have to be real  I'm terrified. I'm Miss Control Freak - I can tell the oven when the bun's baked before it beeps! (No pun intended - ok, maybe it was). Now, I am faced with a beautiful baby to look forward to and a fantastically supportive partner to share that with - but it's all new and I'm scared of what new will look like.

I'm used to getting up when I want to, going clothes shopping on a whim, spontaneously deciding to take a trip to London, etc... Basically just doing me. Then there's work, I had huge plans for my fitness career and though I realise a baby doesn't not have to stop me, I am questioning whether I want to continue down this road in such a huge way, as my former plans involved me travelling the country and then the world! Do I want to do this with baby in tow? I already know I'm not leaving her (I have a feeling she's a she).

So this is where I am today. Next week I may feel completely different and next month different again. Therefore, as I am such a confused, hormonal, pregnant wreck at the moment, I thought it best to get these thoughts down. One day I will look back at this and laugh my head off at the silly worries I had as my partner and I sit on our yacht in the Caribbean, sipping on virgin pina coladas and singing Jamaican folk songs to little bambino. :-)

In closing, I will address one point which some of you maybe thinking: Why is she writing this before her 12 week scan? Well, you see I believe in the power of 'thoughts become things' (believe it or not)and as I can already see that I am going to give birth to this wondeful baby, there is no need for me to worry about whether she will pass that stage or not. That would be an unnecessary negative thought which I do not need to entertain.

Now I know that puts this whole 'being confused thing' into question but even gurus have their off day.

So until next time...     Chaow!

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