Scared to sleep for fear of the Exorcism

I’m 10 weeks pregnant today. I should be happy that I am closer to the point where the morning sickness or Hyperemesis Gravidarum  (extreme morning sickness) in my case, decides to make its exit. However, more immediate matters cloud my mind…

I know I have to get up early to teach a whole day of dance (yay! Not!) to some Year 10 pupils but I’m scared to go to sleep. You see night time has reared its ugly head once again and as has been the case for the last 3 weeks, this is the time when my body decides it wants to puke its heart out.

 “So vomit and get it over and done with!” I hear you cry. I wish I was blessed with the skill to make it come at will but I am not.  Instead, I will do what I have done for the last 21 nights. I will go to bed lie upright, writhe, twist and turn in discomfort ‘til the wee hours of the morning. Then, just as my body starts to relax and wonder off into a deeper level of consciousness, I will feel that all-too-common churning of the stomach. I will get feverishly hot and my limbs will go void of energy, leaving me feeling weak and faint. It is then that I have to use all my remaining strength to take the 4 whole steps it takes to get from my bedroom to the bathroom. There, I will lean over the bath (yes the bath. The toilet is in another room and I prefer to be by the taps where I can splash cold water over me – no judgement!) and wait for the vomit to flow through my body like the an exorcism. As tonight’s dinner greets me on the way back out, I am treated to the putrid smell of bile which further adds to my nauseous state and causes me to retch some more. With each retching action, I can feel a hot tearing sensation in my throat, like someone has taken a molten-hot dagger and sliced the flesh of my oesophagus.  With each regurgitation, my eyes have such pressure behind them it’s as if someone is trying poke them out from the inside. My body continues to convulse and purge the contents of my stomach until it has wrung every last trace of the meal I had so lovingly prepared earlier on. And then…

As I stand there panting, waiting to see if the exorcist has left the building, I look at the rainbow of colours in my bath. Not even Lush baths bombs have blessed (or cursed) my bath with such an array of vivid colours. It would be beautiful, if it was so damned disgusting!  

When my other half isn’t working nights, he loving takes the bowl and washes away the cause of my sleepless night, as I wash my face and place my eyeballs back in their sockets. However, tonight he is not here so that will be my job. After which I will climb back in bed and fall asleep for (if I’m lucky) 2 hours, by then my unrelenting body demands ‘FOOD NOW!’ So I drag my body out of bed and make my way downstairs. I heat up a bowl of cereal. I switch on the TV and put the spoon to my mouth. Mmm...! It tastes so… Owwwww! It’s then that I feel the burning sensation as the food passes the sore spot ‘f***ing bile!’  I miserably and reluctantly finish the bowl and climb back upstairs. I get into bed, sigh and look at the clock. Great! I have to be up in an hour!

It’s now 1.22am. I have a long night ahead of me. L

Preggers is Confused!

So this is my first post as a pregnant woman and boy has it knocked me for 6! I am 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant (tomorrow baby will be 7 weeks old - hey!). So  bet you're thinking, "So it was an accident right?" Well actually it wasn't thank you very much. This baby was very much planned. However, being infuenced by other women's stories, I had convinced myself that it would take a year to two years to fall pregnant. How long did it take in reality? Err less than 2 weeks!

My original plan was to start thinking about how life would change as we were having fun trying. I'm a fitness instructor (on a self-imposed 2 year sabbitcal from being a drama education practitioner) and I knew that having a baby would eventually lead me to stop teaching (at least temporariliy). But because I thought it wouldn't happen for now, I didn't quite finish - well let's be honest I didn't START thinking about what I would do with my career once I got pregnant.

So now, here we are: my breasts are growing heavier and bigger by the hour (literally - why do I have to fight to get my sports bras on this week when I had no problem last week?), I constantly feel nauseous - that's fun when you are trying to make out you are a happy go lucky fitness instructor and more than anything I am confused as hell!

All I am certain about with regards to the future is that there will be lots of change for ME! I have to be real  I'm terrified. I'm Miss Control Freak - I can tell the oven when the bun's baked before it beeps! (No pun intended - ok, maybe it was). Now, I am faced with a beautiful baby to look forward to and a fantastically supportive partner to share that with - but it's all new and I'm scared of what new will look like.

I'm used to getting up when I want to, going clothes shopping on a whim, spontaneously deciding to take a trip to London, etc... Basically just doing me. Then there's work, I had huge plans for my fitness career and though I realise a baby doesn't not have to stop me, I am questioning whether I want to continue down this road in such a huge way, as my former plans involved me travelling the country and then the world! Do I want to do this with baby in tow? I already know I'm not leaving her (I have a feeling she's a she).

So this is where I am today. Next week I may feel completely different and next month different again. Therefore, as I am such a confused, hormonal, pregnant wreck at the moment, I thought it best to get these thoughts down. One day I will look back at this and laugh my head off at the silly worries I had as my partner and I sit on our yacht in the Caribbean, sipping on virgin pina coladas and singing Jamaican folk songs to little bambino. :-)

In closing, I will address one point which some of you maybe thinking: Why is she writing this before her 12 week scan? Well, you see I believe in the power of 'thoughts become things' (believe it or not)and as I can already see that I am going to give birth to this wondeful baby, there is no need for me to worry about whether she will pass that stage or not. That would be an unnecessary negative thought which I do not need to entertain.

Now I know that puts this whole 'being confused thing' into question but even gurus have their off day.

So until next time...     Chaow!